October update


Hello

I don’t know where to start… all I know is that I am hanging in there… I sleep a whole lot more, but its merely to escape.

What made me write today is the fact that I want to explode… I feel emotionally drained and stretched to the max… I just want to curl up in the corner and cry for my granny… I know she would have been in my corner, she would hear my cries…no doubt about that. How do you tell me to let go of her when I feel safe holding her close to my chest and talking to her every day?… I am not ready to let go… not now… I still live and breathe her love… this is where I find LOVE…

I have been using all my strength to keep afloat, juggling a lot of balls in the air all at once… yes, im still struggling to clean a single room in my house, I do something, stop halfway and lay down for a bit because sweat are dripping from my face… ive been leaning on my kids a lot and yes they have been doing all the work in the house, I try very hard to get them food in the evenings, I need them strong and healthy, they bring me meds when I can’t even get up, they come in the middle of the nights and check if im ok, they stare at me wide eyed when I sit up straight in the early hours of the mornings trying to fix my pain… my kids will run into the shop to buy groceries when I sit in the car and wait… they will bring me a cup of tea or coffee when I didn’t even asked for it…they hear me crying in my bed or in the bathroom… they listen to me when I need to unload… they are always there for me…nothing is ever too much for them… I don’t know what I would have done without them…

I can safely say that the last few months haven’t been easy, its been challenging and an uphill battle from the morning that I open my eyes till I go to bed… I’ve thought about giving up more than ever, but all I can think of is my kids, it would be so unfair towards them, because they never gave up on me… so hanging in there is worth it… seeing their faces every morning is so rewarding… who am I to decide to give up when I have them rooting for me???

Today I am letting go of all my emotions, I feel crap, my blood pressure is too low and I am at work, I feel extremely sad about losing my job portfolio at work, with my reduced working hours I lost my baby, no amount of tears in the world can fix what I am going through, having to move on and making a success of my new area of work…seeing the ad for my job goes out, chatting to people about it… it was a tough call… yes I feel cheated and yes I feel hurt, I feel stripped not only by Lupus but my humanity, I just feel like that today, im struggling to see the beauty in the day, my heart and head just hurts too much. Today I’m full of questions and full of tears that want to escape my eyes the whole time… why me???… What did I ever do to deserve this?… how fair is living like this and pretending that its ok?… why must my kids suffer like this?

Every single thing is a fight, how do I live in my house when my salary have been reduced this much, if im already struggling as it is?… if you think working reduced hours is nice, think again… I am cancelling things left right and center to make ends meet… every conversation is around money… most of the time I don’t know what to say, words seem hollow and I feel as if im making things up trying to convince myself that I am going to make it.

I just want to go home and cry until I don’t have any tears left… seeing that I can’t make sense out of this… this is my new life since June 2015 and counting… I can tell you all about hurt and about losing things…

I am trying very hard to fix things in my life, moving on from broken and dysfunctional relationships and it hasn’t been easy, its daring and painful… but I have to, I don’t have the luxury of time to waste on things that’s not in my power to fix… im tired of waiting and looking for acceptance when there’s non… im tired of faking and pretending that things are there when they are clearly not… it is just too draining and I don’t have any more energy to lie nor to pretend… its devastating when you feel so betrayed by family that you decide to move on without them…. But I had to… what’s left for me to do?…i cant visit my parents’ house, I can’t pick up the phone and call them, I just need more time to accept and to heal… I still don’t understand what and why, but I do believe in TIME and I know the battle isn’t mine… so I will wait and in the meantime I will AVOID all contact…

Truth is that I am tired; I’m trying to pray for guidance on what to do and for strength… I am weak and maybe one of these days I won’t have tears to cry J… I don’t have much to offer and my heart is in pieces about where I am at… I am going backwards… all the things I worked so hard for… slipping through my fingers and I am merely a bystander… LOOKING…

So for today you need to let me be… I will be strong again tomorrow and be brave and all those nice things… today I am crumbling and mourning and grieving my life before… I am holding on to my dreams and hope and all the good things… today I’m just praying or a soft landing… whilst everything is tumbling and crushing down around me…

Kind

 

 

 
Ash




About Ash

This website is dedicated to all the men and women who suffers from any Auto Immune disease...Lupus is just one of them...the list is endless...we want to inform, educate, motivate, encourage and change the perception of the world that Lupus doesn't exists...We are real people and we fight for our lives every single day...#LupusLove from Lupus Warriors